Things I think:
1. If it is flameless…it is NOT a candle. It’s a light.
2. If you are one of the four out of five women that cannot read a pregnancy test, you should NOT be having children. You are stupid.
3. Even if you didn’t take a little blue pill, any erection that lasts longer than 4 hours requires medical attention. Frankly, your wife needs to get examined too!
4. Future episodes of Degrassi on the Nick TV channel should NOT be advertised during iCarly reruns; especially the ones about lesbianism.
5. You should NOT check the “Correct Blemishes” box on your child’s school photo ordering sheet. Kids should not think they need to be photo shopped to sit on their parent’s shelf. They are perfect.
6. Teenage kids should not be able to express themselves by wearing any part of a military uniform unless/until he or she has worn it in combat or in service to their nation.
7. Stay at home moms deserve the right to represent what they do at career day. They don’t stay home because they are unable to do anything else. It’s because they are putting their considerable talents into raising their children. Trust me—it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
8. If you are a commissioned officer in the United States military (or a retired officer drawing retirement pay) and you use contemptuous words against the President, you are in violation of Article 88 of the Uniformed Code of Military Justice and are subject to a court martial. Yes. If you are retired they can reactivate you and court martial your butt. That is the case even if you do it with a wink and a smile and a nudge. Clean up your act. You fight for democracy, you don’t live by it.
9. Skinny people do NOT eat McDonald’s food.
10. Going to the McDonald’s drive through, ordering coffee and having the little black box ask you “Where’ve you been?” is NOT a good sign.
11. If you have 18 children, that’s enough. Really, 18 of anything is enough. If you cannot control yourselves please stay in separate rooms.
12. If someone offers you a reality television show you are odd. In some way you are odd and there is nothing good going to come of it.
13. If you do get a reality TV show, when things in your personal life go to crap please, please, please don’t go on the talk show route and talk about the intrusion into your personal life. Refer back to #12 and probably #2. You are odd and you are stupid.
14. If airlines are going to sell food or alcoholic beverages then they should have adequate change for people who buy the food and beverages they have to sell. I’ve been flying in airplanes since I was 16 years old and they STILL announce they can’t make change when you buy a drink. Is this rocket science?
15. If you are 24 years or under – you don’t have a “life story”. Don’t write a book. It makes us 40 somethings mad. Only people that have lived longer than a horse should be able to write a book about their life story.
16. The world changes when both your parents have passed away. If you are in this situation, you know what I’m talking about. Home is no longer someone or someplace you go to visit. There is a painful hole that you will never fill with anything but sweet memories. I respect the process and the whole circle of life thing, but I miss my mom and dad.
17. If for some reason you are not speaking to one of your children, you need to fix it. You are the parent, you are the grown-up, and you need to fix it. It may hurt and it may be the last thing you think you need to do or you owe to your child; but someday you will die. When you do, you want to leave someone grieving your loss. It means you impacted a life.
Your tombstone will not say:
“I was right by God”.
even if it does;
No one will come to read it.
Parenting Tip of the Day: We struggled with our decision on letting the boys see their Grandmother’s body. My husband was traumatized by that process when he was young and we all worried that perhaps our boys were too young. In the end, we asked them for their thoughts. We were very frank with our children that the body was not their grandmother that she’d left. In honesty, they did not know her very well. She was sick for about the past seven years. They opted to be a part of the service and I’m glad they were there. They heard me speak about her legacy and they rallied around me in support. And the oldest, the one that did know her, he cried. I’m glad he cried. Some things are worth being sad about.