I want to thank Sarah Palin. Not for her obvious dedication to our nation’s political process, not for the FABULOUS entertainment I’ve received from the Saturday Night Live skits at her expense; I want to thank Governor Palin for bringing back big hair. I’m from Jersey originally, and while I’m sure the Governor doesn’t call it this, where I’m from we call it Jersey hair. The girls in my family are pros at Jersey hair and now we can once again take to the tease.
Women have always liked big hair in a shoulder pad kind of way. If you have big hair it makes your waist look smaller. Think about it. It falls right into Tim Gunn’s fashion teachings of proportion. If you have big hair you can put ribbons and stuff in it and people are so busy looking at it they forget you’re fat. You can wear sunglasses in December, big ‘ole banana clips and big, hooped earrings. Why, now you can even BUY big hair and set it on top of your little hair. You can match the color, the highlights, the quirky little braids, so even if you don’t have your own big hair, people will think you do. All you need to pull off that little ruse is a prop, like a can of Aussi Mega Spray (since Aqua Net has gone the way of Fresca) and they’re thinking it’s all you.
I remember when I first reentered mainstream life. I went to my son’s school with a fake Coach handbag, fake finger nails with a fake French maincure, and fake big hair, and thought:
“Finally, I’m a real woman.”
Men like fake hair too. Of course they don’t like it on their own wives. But they love it on movie stars. They look at those ladies with their luxurious locks piled way up high and just tingle at the thought of taking out those hair pins. I don’t mess it up for my husband. Let him think that Heather Locklear and Pam Andersen really do have that look when they wake in the morning. I’m pretty secure in the fact that even when they do divorce next time-I’m safe.
Heather to Pamela:
“Hey, do you think that guy Steve is still available?”
“I don’t know Heather-why don’t we call him.”
Of course if I use anything fake the men in this house are up in arms. I once put fake geraniums in my flower pots out front because the heat of the summer had burned the others off.
“MOM”, my 8 year old yelled in the middle of Michael’s. “You’re going to use FAKE FLOWERS?”
“Shhhhhhhh…” I flapped at the air looking around for neighbors. “Just till the new flowers bloom honey.”
“Oh my God mom, I’m gonna be so embarrassed.” he cried.
Lord forbid I put on a bosom enhancing bra and low neckline. Sam came in one evening playing his Game boy as I was getting ready to head out to a holiday party.
“Mom,” he said while looking down, “can we make popco…..WHOA,” he said as he finally turned his attention to the breathing person in the room.
“Where did those come from?” he said.
“I’m getting dressed up tonight.” I explained “I want to look nice.”
Sam looked disgusted.
“Is EVERYONE wearing those?”
Talk about destroying the mystery of the evening.
So here’s to you Sarah Palin. I’m sure we’ll be seeing you for years to come now that we’ve gotten the chill out of you; and frankly my sisters and I, and every woman who’s a Jersey girl at heart, thanks you. Now if you could just work on shoulder pads, we’d really appreciate the support.
Parenting Tip of the Day: At least once in their adolescence your child will cut his/her own hair. It is a passage of rights. Snap a photo, put the scissors higher and don’t beat yourself up. When my guys played hairdresser our bragging point was they helped each other with the backs and were busily sweeping up when I came down from taking a shower. While my words to them afterwards made clear that wasn’t their job-there were a couple of good belly laughs all around.